“Victims of these increasingly common set-ups face criminal charges alongside their emotionally depleting divorce and custody cases, which are, of course, by now stacked against them.”
—Former crime reporter Janie McQueen
The quotation above comes from the author of the book, Hanging on by My Fingernails: Surviving the New Divorce Gamesmanship, and How a Scratch Can Land You in Jail.
Perhaps you’re thinking: I can so identify with that—and perhaps you can identify with it. If you’re not a woman, though, you’re not supposed to. So stop it.
Yep, a female author (and journalist) acknowledges that lying to the court to gain the upper hand in divorce and custody cases occurs. In fact, she says it’s “increasingly common.” According to her, though, the culprits are violent men.
Ms. McQueen apparently aspires to upset the dogma while still keeping the faith: The system is abused, she emphasizes, but women are the victims, and men are the victimizers.
Evident without benefit of having read her book is that because Ms. McQueen alleges she was framed (and probably quotes other women who allege they were framed), “set-ups” of this sort are asserted to be “increasingly common.” They probably are—they’re reported here routinely—but never mind, apparently, that Ms. McQueen’s contention is exactly what men have been saying for, um, decades. Whether frame-ups are “increasingly” common or not, they are common, and they have been for a long time (and thanks to rhetoric that insists women are incapable of lying maliciously, the likelihood of their becoming increasingly “increasingly common” is strong).
Since I haven’t read Ms. McQueen’s book, fairness requires that I acknowledge her position may not be as chauvinistic as it sounds. Also, the book has apparently been in print for three years, and I just heard about it Monday, so I’d venture to guess that it hasn’t exerted a great deal of populist influence. For an audience sympathetic to feminism to concede that false allegations from men are rampant would be to invite speculation on how rampant false allegations from women are.
That, as they say, ain’t gonna happen.
I learned of Ms. McQueen’s book in an online column in Forbes by Jeff Landers, a “certified divorce financial analyst” and the founder of Bedrock Divorce Advisors, LLC, a “divorce financial advisory firm that works exclusively with women.” Mr. Landers is also the author of multiple books directed to a strictly female audience.
His representation of Ms. McQueen’s book, then, may be skewed to his marketing demographic. I can’t say. This, however, is a passage from Ms. McQueen’s book quoted in Mr. Landers’s column “How Some Men Are Upending Domestic Violence Laws to Scam an Advantage in Divorce” (the passage is from the book’s forward, which is penned by Chicago criminal defense attorney Tamara N. Holder):
Unfortunately, many abusive men have learned to reshape domestic violence laws into another weapon of abuse. They are turning police and court protections upside down: The abusers themselves call 9-1-1; they have the women arrested for domestic violence; and then they do everything they can to try to have the women prosecuted and sentenced. In this way, the true victim is painted as the abuser.
There is a deeper motivation in using this ploy; to show a pattern of “violent conduct” on the woman’s part so that the abuser can use it as evidence against her in a divorce or child custody battle. And this form of abuse is permanent. A bruise heals after a few days, but a conviction for a violent crime mars her record forever.
The set-up: A couple has a fight. Either the wife calls 9-1-1 in a desperate plea for police intervention, or the husband makes the call first in a preemptive attack. When the police arrive, the woman is visibly upset. The man, on the other hand, is extremely calm as he switches off his anger. The husband tells the police that his wife is delusional, crazy, and violent. Depending on how convincing the man’s story is to the police officer, and the state’s law on domestic violence, either both people are arrested or the woman is arrested.
In the case of a dual arrest, which some states discourage, the woman often tells prosecutors she doesn’t want to testify against her husband, so the case is dismissed. Meanwhile, the husband is determined that she be prosecuted. Instead of the prosecutors looking into the history of the relationship before proceeding with the criminal case, they move full speed ahead. The wife is usually cut off from her husband’s financial support so she cannot pay for defense against him. As a result, she is forced to take a plea to the charges because she cannot afford to defend herself. She fears taking the case to trial, losing, and going to jail.
Conclusory remarks will be brief. First, bravo to Ms. Holder (and Ms. McQueen) for a detailed articulation of a serious problem, one that founders lives. What’s described above certainly happens; don’t doubt it for a moment. Second, though, what impassioned subdual of the imagination is required for an intelligent person to believe this only happens to women? C’mon. (Not only does the same thing happen to men, but the presence of children in the relationship isn’t a necessary motivation.) Finally, mark this statement well: “And this form of abuse is permanent. A bruise heals after a few days, but a conviction for a violent crime mars [a] record forever.”
Copyright © 2015 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
izabella
March 25, 2015
So his new tactics is to reach out to our friends and explain to them that I am a narcissist, bipolar, or/and psychopath. Each time he tells the events that took place that night he adds and takes away from the actual events. He is making all sort of allegations and I am to be quiet and not say anything. Because he is using the State Attorneys office for his benefit. He keeps using our babies as his pawns. He wants control and that’s the only way he has to get to me. He has poison my stepson against me to the point that he sounds just like daddy and he is now approaching the kids of our friends. I am so frustrated. He keeps manipulating the system and bullying me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
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Moderator
March 26, 2015
Whatever you do or don’t do, Izabella, be sure to keep any and all records of such statements (and whom they were made to). Start a file. Narcissist is a generic word, but bipolar disorder is a clinical diagnosis. Psychopath can also be a generic term, so popularized has it become, but it’s no less inflammatory and damaging for that. Collectively, this is clearly defamation, and it’s certainly not something the state’s attorney would sanction. Poisoning other people’s regard with false statements is also, in a sense, fraud. It induces people—by false claims that the claimant knows are false—to act on false information. Lying to the court is one thing; lying to others is actionable. Bide your time, but be alert to this, and document everything you can.
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izabella
March 27, 2015
I am .. my friends know me so they have chosen sides.That what he’s really upset about. He wants people to believe him. But they don’t. He wants to control everything. They have sent me all of their facebook messages.. the thing is that i don’t engage him not even through friends. He’s getting ignored so that’s what prompts his reactions.
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Moderator
March 27, 2015
I think you’re right. This is how attention-seekers behave.
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bettykrachey
March 9, 2015
Reblogged this on falseaccusers.
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Joel Bond Gunch
March 5, 2015
Any time there is friction in a marriage, the partner who suspects she or he is about to be victimized should always be recording, like this:
And notice that the spouse pitching the childish fit is using her smartphone to text her friends, and maybe her parents too, that she is being mistreated. My ex would do that. She was great at starting arguments over something very trivial, or stepping in and making me look like the bad guy when I laid down boundaries for our three children. And if I so much as put my foot down in very serious family matters, in which I was 100% sure she was wrong and I was right, she would call her mommy and daddy and put the bad-mouth on me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she hadn’t lied and sprayed body fluids all over the mouthpiece of the phone.
It was one thing after another after another. She knew that my mother had certain weaknesses and she preyed on them. She knew there was an undercurrent of hostility between my mother and me and she figured out how to use it to her advantage. She had manipulated my mother into becoming her ally, and when the property was divided my mother ran off with some of the goodies….all of them things that belonged to me, even from my childhood. She rubbed herself around on my father and let him kiss her in the mouth… and made him think he had a chance. Hell, I don’t know but what they consummated it. And while the marriage was gradually disintegrating she manipulated both of them into thinking she was the poor little innocent victim and I was the villain. She had the gall to tell my father that I had some kind of unspeakable sexual perversion and she didn’t want me to be alone with any of our children. I can’t begin to tell you what a filthy lie that was. She had established a chain of gossip that encircled our neighborhood and extended all the way to the courthouse where I worked.
And now that these children are grown her buzzards are coming home to roost on her. But some of it could have been stopped before the damage was done if I had just taken precautions to capture conversations in the secret meetings she was holding in our home while I was at work trying to support our family.
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Moderator
March 6, 2015
This confirms that people of a certain disposition draw people with personality kinks. They peg you as susceptible (because tolerant). Psychologists report this is true, too. You’re concerned about whether you’re right or wrong; they never are. I think these people are attracted to those with scruples—and end up hating them for them. I would guess that a significant number of procedural abuses (including ones based on false accusations of violence) are undertaken against people of character because their accusers know they don’t have to fear violence from them. They allege fear because they know they have nothing to fear. Thinking about this has almost tempted me to urge people who’ve been falsely accused to give their accusers something real to worry about.
What you’ve said about projection is so right. I think your accuser wanted you to want her. People like her turn the table and punish you for rejecting them.
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Moderator
March 6, 2015
In the movies, crazy is interesting; in real life, it’s just trite and parasitic. You can lose years of your sanity to creatures that blame you for their own petty, grasping (self-complacent) piteousness.
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izabella
March 9, 2015
Wow.. I am sooo sorry that this happened to you. My husband has been in turn the one to be something out of a psychological thriller. In speaking to one of our friend’s he told her how i belong in jail. How I stole money out of our business, and wait it gets worst, how I never really worked for the business that I would “act’ like I was working whenever someone came over to visit. He accuses me of bad mouthing him with my family yet my parents had no idea how bad things were between us. Our friends of course most of them won’t and refuse to talk to him because of all the crap he has put me through… but I am the bad guy. He uses our children like pawns, he wants control over me no matter what… to be honest I am soooo tired and frustrated. He has the money.. so he keeps playing his sick game in hopes that I will run out of money and can’t fight anymore. Honestly, this is my biggest fear.
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izabella
March 5, 2015
Wow… The book title alone tells my story. My soon to be ex-husband has indeed used a scratch to claim assault and put me in jail. In a heated argument while he was verbally abusing me I pulled the sleeve of his shirt and as he moved away I fell down and scratched him by accident. I was in jail for two days. He used this to take my babies away and filed another injunction and agreed to withdraw it only when I agreed to a 50/50 parenting plan. He turned around and asked the State attorney to NOT drop the charges when he got a request for money from my lawyer. I had to sign a diversion contract. He keeps slandering me with friends.. at least the ones that will still listen. He still wants control.
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Moderator
March 5, 2015
Consider getting in touch with its author:
http://janiemcqueen.com/
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