“The idea that—as pandering anti-feminist goon Christina Hoff Sommers asserted over the weekend—university campuses have a ‘false accusation culture’ is as ludicrous as the idea that Sommers herself is a feminist. Not only do we not have a ‘false accusation culture’ anywhere on earth, we don’t have an accusation culture at all. Most victims never say a word. The price is too high. And, if their joy at the outing, harassment and supposed ‘discrediting’ of Jackie is any indication, Sommers and her cohort would like to keep it that way.”
—Lindy West, The Guardian (Dec. 9, 2014)
Alongside the headline of Lindy West’s op-ed, “Rolling Stone threw a rape victim to the misogynist horde,” is a tag that reads, “Comment is free.” It’s a fitting commentary on Ms. West’s commentary, which is cheaper than just cheap.
Not only is false accusation culture real; it extends beyond the quad.
Ms. West’s piece centers on the “Jackie story,” a Rolling Stone “exposé” that ran a couple of months ago about a purported gang rape at the University of Virginia whose details have since proved unreliable.
According to Ms. West, “The result was swift, frightening and predictable [italics added]. Jackie became an anti-feminist rallying point—incontrovertible ‘proof’ that women maliciously (or recreationally, even) lie about rape to ruin men’s lives, and that ‘rape culture’ is nothing but hysterical feminist propaganda.”
Ms. West’s diagnosis is itself hysterical feminist propaganda that’s swift and predictable…and shopworn. Writers like her incite rhetorical food fights. They tweak and pique, and this excites a flood of comments, some of them earnest, some of them dismissive or disgusted, and all of them leading to nothing.
This is a constructive formula: thesis + antithesis = synthesis. There is no synthesis, though. Provocateurs like Ms. West never relent and are only egged on by criticism, even if it’s coolly reasoned. They’re looking for conflict, not a conversation. Their arguments are purposefully outrageous to ignite attention, a motive that not coincidentally underlies many false accusations, especially ones made by women.
The quotation from Ms. West at the top of this post is stressed because it exemplifies the flatfooted feminist m.o.: nonsensical but snarky.
Ignoring the slight to Dr. Sommers, whose discernment Windy Lindy’s doesn’t hold a candle to, here’s a quickie analysis of Ms. West’s assertion that there’s no “‘false accusation culture’ anywhere on earth” (an assertion that only merits a quickie analysis):
- Ms. West says there’s no “false accusation culture.”
- The proof, she says, is there’s no “accusation culture.”
- The evidence of this is that “most victims never say a word” (i.e., most victims never make accusations).
The only victims of a false accusation culture are the falsely accused; false accusers aren’t victims. A false accusation culture doesn’t require that actual victims of abuse ever report anything. Therefore whether actual victims “never say a word” is completely irrelevant to the existence of a false accusation culture. Feminists are encouraged to read this paragraph again and to look up words they may misunderstand, such as false.
There is a false accusation culture, and feminists like Ms. West are the reason why. They’ve made it attractive and rewarding (even ennobling) for people to style themselves “victims.” They’re also, consequently, the authors of what they label “rape denial.”
The culture of false accusation they’ve inspired is why there are so-called rape deniers. Sure, there may actually be people who deny “rape!” is ever rape, but it’s a fair deduction that most resistance to feminist social indictment that’s called “rape denial” is really a manifestation of resentment toward what feminist rhetoric has wrought. Men who’ve wrongly been treated like brutes and sex offenders over the decades since the enactment of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which ensures all men are regarded by the system prejudicially, are pained animals. (Appreciate that while prosecuting rape may be rare and difficult in criminal court, implicating someone as a violent offender in civil court, including falsely, is cake.) What do pained animals do? They snarl and claw at what hurt them (and whatever they associate with it).
Feminists provoke animosity—which rightly or wrongly may be directed toward all women—and then they denounce that animosity as misogyny…which provokes more animosity…which is denounced as misogyny (and on and on). “Rape deniers” may simply be people who’ve been conditioned to distrust accusations of violence from women and to hate feminists.
Unconscious of this, along comes someone like Megan Carpentier, who writes in the same commentary section of The Guardian as Ms. West, “I’m a victim of sexual assault and the law failed. How many of us must speak out for you to believe?” She describes a harrowing experience, to which response is mostly sympathetic, and responses that are guarded don’t challenge the accuracy of her account; they reasonably point out that “these constant calls for automatic belief of accusers signal a desire to move away from the presumption of innocence.” This challenge is what’s commonly represented as “rape denial,” and it’s the challenge of minds jaded by a culture that tolerates and rewards—and thus encourages—false accusations.
Ms. Carpentier says that “of every 100 sexual assaults in the United States, only 40 are reported to the police, only 10 result in arrests, only eight get prosecuted and only four result in a felony conviction,” not appreciating that this can only touch as it should the person (particularly the man) who has never been falsely implicated or known someone who was. Snipes like this one, besides, don’t win over any fence-sitters: “Too many women who are sexually assaulted are not considered sexual assault victims in the eyes of the law—and in the words of more than a few bloviating bystanders.”
The irony of her statement is that feminists are the original “bloviating bystanders,” and it’s their call for selective accountability instead of universal accountability that has aroused skepticism toward allegations of violence against women, including sexual violence.
Feminists blame reactions they themselves have provoked by fostering a climate of false accusation.
Copyright © 2015 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
TALKING BACK to restraining orders 
Joel Bond Gunch
January 6, 2015
Ben Vonderheide (Daddy Justice) has this great movie in which he makes points to closed-minded opponent women about false accusations. You have to see it for yourself to get a sense of the fraud and deceit that prevails in this caldron of dishonesty:
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Moderator
January 11, 2015
I caught the video, Larry. I’ll investigate the citations and work up something about it.
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Anne Copeland
January 6, 2015
I am a 73-year-old woman and not a feminist. I have been on the other side of two restraining orders, both staged by people who bullied me for two years. I have never done anything of this type to anyone, nor would I. I am disabled, and now suffering from severe PTSD because of all the things the horrible people did to me. I was bullied severely by these people for two years before this coming to a head. When I came out my front dogs and the drug sellers next door released some it didn’t occur to me what was going on until I saw a camera and these evil people who had bullied me for two years trying to antagonize me with the drug dealers looking on.The worse of it was that when I went to park, of course the drug dealer gave testimony that she saw everything and that I had tried to run this man over. It was not even close to the truth. He kept jumping in front of me and throwing fingers, and all the time all I was trying to do was get my car out of the park to get to the pharmacy to get meds for my asthma. I was having a severe attack of asthma, and could barely breathe. The stress of this attack was making things worse. I did call the police and had to turn around once I did manage to get back as they were coming. But when they did come back, they went to see the other people instead of me, and of course the man told the police I was intentionally trying to hit him.
To make maters worse, they had their woman friend who is psychotic and bi-polar serve the papers. She drove up in front of my home when I was out on the porch, ran around in the street yelling my name at the top of her voice, and then came running forcefully up the stairs. and began to push the gate and push on my porch until she broke the porch loose. The fact was that she could have simply handed the papers to me and told me I was served, but it was clear that the was creating a scene, and again, the woman across the street was involved with it and filming it all. This woman who came to serve the papers had shot her lover – another woman in the stomach, and told me and others before all this that she would not hesitate to do it again. So I was terrified. So now not only did these evil people sign a restraining order but also she did and they all claimed I was violent. They contacted management and even though I had contacted management for years about my property being destroyed, these people trespassing on my property and all kinds of other things like attempted assault (which one of them finally did).
This was the worst injustice. The people who were the drug dealer’s friends (Meth -and who are likely involved themselves) took me to court with these falsified restraining orders. I didn’t even get to defend myself or a chance to speak. The judge was the same race as the people and I could tell he was prejudiced from the beginning. It was over and I never had an opportunity to say anything.
I have been attending a Christian University online and I used to work with special needs children as a substitute instructional aide since 2005. I had an excellent reputation. I lost my position on Citizens Patrol, and my change to be a continuing member on the City Commission Public Works and Safety. Suddenly my world was falling apart. I got injured in my face and my glasses were broken. I could never get any justice at all on the assaulted and attempted assaults, even though one took place in front of a sheriff’s deputy. I became so depressed I wanted to kill myself, and I had to go to the hospital for observation. I have been suffering from severe PTSD ever since all of this happened. At 73, it is really a disaster for someone who has always done community services and who has been working to do some good in the world to have to face such huge injustice. The doctor says I will likely have the PTSD the rest of my life. I am doing what I can to stop this nightmare, but it still lives on despite my best efforts. The two days I moved from my old park, I had those people invading my space, filming me again with ALL of the ignorant bullies, and generally harassing me. I had to get the police to stay all day until I left so that those people would have to leave me alone.
I think bullying at any age is horrible and it should be a crime. But also this thing with the restraining orders is just another tool in the hands of evil, mentally-ill, and criminal types. Yes, I believe there are many women who misuse the system, but I believe there are probably just as many men doing it. And also I believe the court system is absolutely not a system set up for justice. We need strong legislation passed to stop all forms of bullying, and especially giving people the tools in the form of restraining orders. I wish justice for all of us who have been hurt, some of us for life, by the serving of these restraining orders. Thank you very kindly. Peace and many blessings, Anne Copeland
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Moderator
January 7, 2015
Bless you, too, Anne, and thanks for sharing what you’ve been through. I really believe that the legislative reform you advocate for can only come from more people like you coming forward with their horror stories. Journalists still define restraining orders as instruments that enable a “victim” to gain relief from an “abuser.” The number who know the relationship may be the opposite seem to be about five (in the whole world). That’s how firm the hold of dogma is.
It’s hard to tell whether writers are afraid to speak against laws motivated by violence against women because of the expected blowback from the feminist establishment or whether they’re afraid they’ll be generally censured for being “insensitive to battered women.” That’s why restraining orders exist: battered women.
What has to be put across is that the laws are bad because they can be abused—and because they can be abused, they are, by men as well as women. It’s not the original intention that was bad, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say.
The only false accusations that reporters write about are false accusations of rape. Apparently that’s the only type of false accusation they imagine can cause someone trauma. Even when a writer like Cathy Young chronicles what it’s like to be accused of rape, it’s like she’s revealing something nobody’s ever thought about before. You’d assuredly know better than I, but I’m pretty sure even the Bible recognizes that false accusation is devilish. It brings the judgment of the entire tribe to bear one person—wrongly.
What it’s critical to expose is what you do: how easily procedure is abused and how it authorizes people to practice terrorism with total impunity. They walk right up to your door. Once a restraining order is in place, an accuser can do about anything and the accused can’t depend on help, because s/he’s “the abuser.” People report that law officers essentially shrug.
You’re right that these procedures license bullying of sorts that wouldn’t otherwise be tolerated (but all of the advocates against bullying—e.g., the ACLU—are also pro-feminist and thus for restraining orders). I’m surprised you’re not living under your bed. I really wish I could suggest a surefire solution, Anne, but the system itself is against recognizing its own hand in this kind of abuse. I just hope you’re able to weather the strain and stay safe from harm.
It’s wowing to me (and touching) the number of women who report being treated abominably and then express the regret that it means they can’t volunteer their time and help to others. You have a big heart, Anne, and you deserve this kind of mistreatment least of everyone.
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Anne Copeland
January 7, 2015
Thank you most kindly for your nice response. It is very appreciated. You know,. some of the comments that came up today about the abuse of the young men by the church, etc. brought back a flood of memories for me. My younger brother and I both grew up in an abusive household with parents who were most sincerely mentally ill. My mother could not relate to her own children and left us in the care of others most of the time. She was what I would say was denial that she was even a mother. It didn’t occur to me until recently that she was avoiding her own awareness that my brother and I were being sexually abused, as were other children, but we were struggling with our own demons at the time.
As one person noted, it wasn’t violence or things like that. It was the kind of world we were cast into. A role we did not choose, just as slaves in different cultures did not choose to be slaves, and as people with restraining orders against them for the most part never chose to be in that position. You see, what I didn’t say about the two years of bullying was that it wasn’t just the two years of bullying that proceeded it. It was a lifetime of bullying. We went overseas when I was in the 4th and 5th grades. It was a nightmare experience. There were still remains of war everywhere. Children were bullying me constantly. Boys threatened to cut my fingers off with a a film cutter after locking me and another girl in the photo darkroom on the base. And they did many other things to me that were equally horrible until we left the area.
When we came back from Okinawa, I had to hide in the bushes at lunchtime and breaks to avoid being hurt and bullied. Once again, one afternoon after school, as I tried to make my way across the playground to go home, some boys grabbed me and once more threatened to cut off my fingers, this time with a cigar cutter. A girl later held a knife to my throat for absolutely no reason. This continued through my youth, in one form or another. I used to wonder if these people could somehow sense a ‘wounded animal’ in me or some other thing that drew these bullies to me. And now I wonder what it is that draws people to bully others using restraining orders. Are these the same type of people who would cut off our fingers or hold knives to our throats if they had those tools?
I am not really sure anyone can truly say what a person who has been bullied or hurt physically or sexually can really say with certainty what others who have been through it would feel after the event, even if you might be a psychiatrist or other professional in the mental health industry. I know of other cases of restraining orders under all sorts of circumstances. One that stands out in my mind is one where the woman has lost all but one of her children to social services because of her mental and drug problems. She shot at the one man who has tried to stay with her despite all her insanity. Missed him only because the shot ricocheted off a part of the window frame. But SHE is the one who managed to get a restraining order against him. So do I know about both sides of restraining orders? Absolutely.
I think there ARE some legitimate reasons for restraining orders, but not sure they are worth the paper they are written on. A person has to actually do something to the other person on the other end of the restraining order before anything can be done to the defendant. And by then, it is generally too late – the person (the plaintiff) is wounded seriously or perhaps even dead, or the children have been kidnapped.
So I think instead of focusing on female feminists being the cause of things, we need to look at our society overall and how things that are supposed to protect us generally end up doing the opposite. And the sad thing too is that the very agencies that publicizes all over the Internet and the newspapers, etc. how they are here to help us are just like the parents who are supposedly there to protect their children. What I am saying is that those agencies are there to collect funds and to publicize all the ‘good’ they all do.
I think we need to continue to try to get petitions signed to end the abuse of restraining orders. And I also think that there are a lot of other areas where abuse is constant and truly unfair. What about traffic tickets. You never see a rich person in court. The only ones who are constantly in court and/or jail are the lowest people in the food chain – the poor and those who perhaps don’t speak English as well as others.
I certainly agree that most restraining orders are unfair and can ruin a life in so many ways. I am one of those people who has been the victim of bad restraining orders. It wasn’t some feminist women who did it. It was mentally ill people – the same type that try to cut off a young girl’s fingers, or the same ones that take slaves, or those who abuse others sexually, or otherwise torment and torture other human beings.
I feel badly for all of you who have had unfair restraining orders against you. I feel very bad for those of you who have been wrongly accused of doing things that you did not do.
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Moderator
January 8, 2015
I had a similar upbringing (minus explicit threats to my fingers—that’s horrible). I spent a lot of my time with my grandparents and their friends, so I was sensitized to things like politeness, holding doors, and listening, and it made me kind of alien to other boys, so I know what you mean about bullying. I didn’t know how to relate. Kids are pack animals, and they do target the misfit or the lame. Abusers like rapists (or like your neighbors) are the grown-up version; they smell vulnerability. Your body language, reactions, sensitivity—all these things are cues to them and egg them on.
I’m sorry you were singled out, Anne. We’re told the “playground” is outgrown, and it’s not really true.
The mentally twisted who abuse these court procedures are developmentally arrested. If you read about personality disorders, the thematic element of the antisocial (“Cluster B”) disorders is emotional stuntedness. Empathy is supposed to be in full bloom by the late teens, but for these people empathy is withered or absent. They’re very responsive to their own feelings but not other people’s. Personality disorders are said to manifest in young adulthood (19, 20, 21). Maybe that’s because it’s when the difference becomes distinct. I’m sure there are always earlier hints.
These people often abuse people who were nice to them, because they exalt them in their imaginations and then when they stop seeming perfect, these people hate them with a pathological intensity, and lying is reflex to them.
You should get a petition going, Anne. Consider talking to someone with MoveOn.org. Women’s plaints are more effective, because they’re sooner trusted and sympathized with. They’re more credible. White knights, do-gooders, and other women chime in instead of just other people who’ve been falsely accused. Also they’re seldom heard from, because the dominant voices in discussions of these issues are angry men and angry women who think women are only abused by angry men’s fists.
Basically you have a climate in which “accused” means “guilty.” Saying you were “falsely accused” means you’re in denial. A woman like you with a story like yours pokes people in the eye and snaps them out of this mindset. None of the usual go-to objections apply.
Here’s the other obstacle someone like you can overcome. Ignoring the word feminist, there’s a tendency of women to stick together, and even a lot of women who are abused by lies validated by the state direct their anger at men (because they were lied about by a man) instead of at the process they were abused by. Their loyalties are divided. Like you, they say things like “I think these orders are important for women who are abused, but….” The first part always wins out. It shouldn’t. The law is bad. What can be abused will be abused. So the law needs to be reconceived. Judges are actually meant to dispense justice like machines in accordance with what the law says. They have to follow policy, which is also all they’re answerable to (morals have nothing to do with it). It has to be illegal for miscarriages like you’ve endured to occur.
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Anne Copeland
January 8, 2015
Thank you again so much for your very thought-provoking and well written response. You have an amazing depth of understanding of all these things, and now I see partly why. I am so sorry that you had to endure things like you did as a young person. I worked since 2005 until this year with special needs and emotionally disturbed children in the school system. So sad to see those poor children suffer as I knew they did. Many were in group homes because parents could not cope with the fact that they would be responsible for their children their entire lives, Other parents, perhaps unable to cope with life in general, end up in prison, and the poor kids end up being passed from agency to agency.
I didn’t go through a restraining order when I was young, but my first husband when I was 17, essentially took my children illegally when the girl was about 4, the middle boy 1-1/2 and the baby 6 months. I was a good mom as best as I could be with an abusive husband. But I never took any action against him except to try to escape and with my children. I didn’t ask for a thing except for them. But he took them though we both had custody. So do I know how it feels to have a system that is not amenable for you to have your own children and have someone else mess up your life? I guess. I developed amnesia from all the things that surrounded their removal from my life. The state we lived in, I hate to say, was an old boy state, and in those days, women didn’t have a lot of rights in divorce situations. On top of that, he worked with the police and sheriff’s dept. on their radios. The gist of it all was that I did not find my children or even remember the younger ones’ names for some 28 years. I found my daughter through the Salvation Army. $10 for a form to authorize the search. I remembered her name and place of birth, but she would have grown up by then and perhaps married. But within two months, they found her. We were reunited in 1994, but it has never been a real return of what I lost. The boys of course were too young to remember me and their father told them I was dead. My daughter had remembered me and remembered that I was a good mom, so she and I met once in person, but even today, I feel she is not sure of the truth and we have a very limited relationship. I have none at all with my sons. They don’t believe I am their mom and are too traumatized (at least the middle one was) to ever want to see me.
So a restraining order, as horrific as it is, and as unjust, is just one of the ways people lose their rights to their children. I have total empathy with any person who has lost their children, their jobs, etc. because of these unfair legal situations. I found this site because I WAS trying to get a petition going – I was trying change.org, but was not sure what I needed to write, so I was researching on the Internet and I found your site. I was very glad because I didn’t think that anyone else was probably affected so much, just as a lot of youngsters who are abused in any way think they are the only ones who ever suffered such horror and shame.
I have to think a lot and do a lot more research to know how to write it so that it will be effective and perhaps get results. I want to make any actions in this direction to really work because I have this feeling that if it doesn’t work the first time, it won’t carry the weight the next time. I don’t know what previous attempts have been tried, and although I am currently studying at a university online to be a freelance paralegal, I am not quite sure who to address or what I need to say to make it really count. If others give me ideas and don’t want to do it themselves, I will write it in such a way to keep your names private, but to bring the cases into it somehow. I just think it is not something I can just do in five minutes. I need to make the words count and need to address the right resources. So I can use all the help I can get.
I do believe that action of this type if good for all of us who have gone through it in any form. Positive action instead of hatred and retribution is much more life enhancing. Life does go on despite the ugliness and evil of restraining orders. I don’t think it matters in reality whether the people who do these things are feminists, lesbians, bisexuals, bipolar people, psychotics, or nasty old seniors, etc. The reality is that the act is wrong, and the people who do these things have a set of problems that we cannot resolve. They have to be willing to recognize that they have problems, just as people who drink or do drugs have to recognize the problem and be willing to take action to stop doing what it is they do. Otherwise, they are going to live miserable lives that are only temporarily improved by another ‘fix,’ be it a drink, a drug, bullying or another restraining order. Their lives are empty and meaningless. I can guarantee that it doesn’t stop with a single restraining order. They may not get another one, but they will do some else that is equally hateful and deceitful because that is all they have going for themselves.
Thanks for sharing the good ideas. I have to think a lot about it before I do it to get the wording down right and figure out who needs to receive the petition.
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Todd Greene
January 8, 2015
Here’s someone else you could talk to, Anne:
https://www.change.org/p/hold-false-accusers-accountable-for-making-false-allegations
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Anne Copeland
January 8, 2015
Thank you most kindly once again. I definitely signed that petition and will sign any others I learn about as well as crafting my own now. You are most helpful.
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Moderator
January 9, 2015
This post (put up yesterday) digests the issues that recommend legislative revision or repeal of restraining orders, Anne:
“Dust It Off: This Isn’t 1979, and It’s Time Restraining Order Laws Were Reconsidered”
This older one has good summary bullet points, too:
“Objections to Restraining Orders AREN’T about Restraining Orders”
From what I’ve learned (mostly from reports by commenters and correspondents), your state’s investment in restraining orders may be (one of) the most extreme. California has about a dozen different kinds of order (probably a slight exaggeration). I’ve also looked at rhetoric from its courthouses, and it includes exhortations to petitioners to state the orders they want in under three minutes. This gives you an idea of how “fast food” the process is—and how prejudicial. It’s even been reported that California literally has drive-thru restraining order stations (i.e., you don’t have to get out of your car!).
A hook for a petition you started might be your prohibition from volunteer work, which is very sympathetic, besides restraining orders’ being abused to taunt and bully. Otherwise my informed thought is to try to keep your copy as short and pithy as possible, while also making it urgent.
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Anne Copeland
January 9, 2015
Thank you so much. This gives me a direction and also help regarding keeping it short and to the point. I will read those specific articles. Wow, I didn’t know there were so many types of restraining orders in California. Shocking. And yes, it isn’t about the restraining order specifically. It is all those other issues surrounding it. Thanks again. I will read these things before I write the petition.
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Moderator
January 10, 2015
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Anne Copeland
January 11, 2015
Re: Elder Abuse Restraining Orders – a real joke in this area. I had to travel to Indio to go to court to try to get Elder Abuse Restraining Orders. It is close to two hours away, which makes it difficult for most of us seniors. Then I had to go back again to change things so that they would supposedly be accepted. Once it was finally correct as to what they wanted, I had to go from there to Moreno Valley, another hour and a half or more to get there and then back, so we are looking at around 8 hours of driving time to and from, and then all the hours preparing and going up and downstairs to try to get the forms completed and ready. Part of my problems was that one clerk helping me made a lot of mistakes. I believe now she has early onset Alzheimers because the mistakes were so numerous and she had worked there for a long time. I finally had another clerk help and got it done. Now how many seniors are going to be physically/mentally able to drive so far. And the stupid thing about it is that the poor deputy has to go to Moreno Valley (all of this is in Southern California) and then to another city to deliver it and then back again. What a poor way to do things.
And then finally back to Indio for court day and you arrive, have a physical challenge and plates to show that and there is no parking for a block or more. So you do your best to get there. Then you get there on time, and immediately when your case comes up, the judge asks if you have any witnesses, and no, so it is dropped. All that work for nothing. It may be different in some areas, but not where I lived.
Thanks.
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Anne Copeland
January 10, 2015
I have an idea. What if all who filed restraining orders had to go through counseling or arbitration with the other person first through the court system before they could file the restraining order. There could be a level of first counseling, with suggestions for more counseling where it might actually work without the need for the order.
It could create a lot more jobs and perhaps more things could be worked out. The people running such a program would have to be trained beyond general counseling of course, but I am sure there are counselors who do that already. Just a thought . . .
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Moderator
January 11, 2015
That would probably halve the problem, certainly, because I think in a majority of cases, restraining orders are obtained on impulse, and then most petitioners don’t want to back down. I’ve read a lot of comments from petitioners, and I’ve gotten the distinct impression from their frequent use of the phrase “my restraining order” that they regard it as a kind of prize (a validation they don’t want to relinquish). So much about the process (and law in general) is gamesmanship.
I’m thinking, though, that conservative lawmakers would oppose the cost. Restraining orders are already estimated to run the government over $4 billion a year. (In fact, I’m surprised expenditure hasn’t already exerted a reforming influence on this travesty. Sen. Chuck Grassley, who’s quoted in the video posted to this strand, concludes during a committee meeting, “We cannot tolerate this level of malfeasance in the federal grant programs,” referring to questionable use of funds under, presumably, the Violence Against Women Act, which has authorized the allocation of some $10 billion over the past 20 years to various programs and initiatives. That’s according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence; I’ve only looked at its figures. It could be more. I’ve read some say a full accounting isn’t available. It’s a testament to the political power wielded by domestic violence advocates that this charade has persisted as long as it has.)
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Moderator
January 11, 2015
You might consider talking to someone with this nonprofit, Anne. The NCADV seems to be a leading voice (against/for abuse, depending on your perspective).
“Abuse in Later Life“
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Anne Copeland
January 11, 2015
You are such an invaluable resource and wealth of knowledge. I am very truly grateful for all the good information you are able to share.
I have often thought about the traumatic things that happen to us through life, and I have thought how it enables us to help others, to learn compassion for others because we know what it feels like, and to develop our strength in handling future problems. I once read that once you have dealt with a problem, it will never be a problem again because you learn how to handle it. It doesn’t mean that you can change the outcome of that problem but once you have dealt with it in some manner, next time you will be better prepared to deal with it.
I think about my own situation. Once those things happened – the initial bullying, I should have installed a security system on my house that could not look only at my own porch and doorway, but out across the street and next door. Security systems today can be bought for very little, and they can save us a lot of grief later on. Walmart and Freight Depot have very good security systems that are not expensive. Invest in a camera or have a cell phone that can take photos and learn to use it. Notify friends or neighbors you trust with reason who live around you that someone is harassing or stalking you and ask them to keep a look out for you. Note every time anything happens – what happened, who, what, where and the time of day or night. Call the police regularly and make sure you get copies of the reports. If they won’t give you one at the time, make sure you go to the police station or sheriff’s station and get a copy of it. Take down the officer’s names who came in case they don’t write a report. Be sure you get their names. Sometimes the police are reluctant to write reports because they now how hard it is to get any action and they don’t want to write reports if they don’t have to. I know in my area, the police were repeatedly reluctant to write reports. because they had to some from another town to serve our area, and they were frustrated by the lack of follow-up from the court system. It might sound like a bunch of hooey, but it is true. I remember going into the Sheriff’s Dept. a number of times to get a copy of a report, only to find out that they didn’t make one. When I got assaulted, I actually had to file a Citizen’s Report because the police knew darned good and well that although this woman had assaulted others, they were not going to get action on it because there were no witnesses. That meant I could have gotten stabbed or hurt a lot worse and there would still have been no action unless I got murdered. So getting the officer’s names is extremely important because you CAN supoena them into court if necessary. And you can supoena records of a person if you need to, plus you can look some up online if your know of a likely court where the case you suspect might have been held. There ARE ways to find out.
I agree that when you are feeling traumatized, have no witnesses and feel like a true victim, it is really difficult to take these actions. I know that first hand. Once you get PTSD, it is paralyzing and you live with night terrors, fear of going out in public, and other horrors, but if you try to do these things, it will help you to get somewhat better because you will regain your own empowerment. And there IS legal aid in most states. Yes, you might have to wait to get an appt. Free attorneys are really booked up, but keep trying. Don’t stop until you have exhausted every possible alternative to help yourself, and even then, keep going. My mom used to say, “Where there is a will, there is a way.” File a Cease and Desist Form, and if things keep happening, file a small claims suit. It may have value limits, but if you have documentation to back you up, you CAN get some sort of ruling. That was one thing I did observe in the court the days my own cases didn’t come up until late in the day. I had to be in court at 8:30 AM and was there until almost 4 PM and I heard a great many types of restraining orders and who got one and who did not and why. Get a doctor to certify that you are indeed suffering from PTSD. It is not hard to find one to do that. My personal physician signed right away for me so I could go to doctors. Get the psychiatrists, counselors, etc. to sign a form for you to the fact that you are indeed suffering and under their treatment. Save copies of prescriptions you have had to take for the PTSD. Document any inability to work or any aid you have had to file for because of the damage to you.
I was not always able to do these things I am telling you, but they would have helped me a lot if I had gone ahead and done them. One of my neighbors got one against one man who filed one against me. She got it because she documented time and dates and got a neighbor to be a witness. But most importantly, she used a strong voice, did not waiver in what she said or sound as if she was unsure of herself. Her neighbor who was a witness, on the other hand, did not get her restraining order against the same man because she was timid and unsure of herself when she spoke, and even though she and my other friend had talked about it ahead of time as to what they needed to say and had rehearsed before going to court (I know that sounds silly, but it is crucial – do you think an attorney is not prepared and rehearsed as to what he or she is going to say).
I hope this will help some of you if you have something upcoming or something that has just happened. I also know now that you can appeal a restraining order, but there is a set time to do it, and you better be a pretend attorney when you draft up your appeal. Keep it short, strongly stated, and as accurate in your defense as you can. That is crucial because you don’t get a second chance. The judge or court that hears the appeal will not read your life history or that of the person, so just as I am going to make a good case for a petition, you are, in essence, defending your own life, so think of the importance of that. Have someone look it over to see if it should at least be reworded. Don’t consider that he/she is an attorney and can give you legal advice, but he/she should definitely be smart enough to read what you have written and let you know if it is sound or not. Now remember that it is no guarantee that you will will the appeal, but at least you will have a strong sense of the fact that you tried, and you will know better if there is ever another case what to do because the appeal, if denied, will generally tell you why you didn’t win. And if one person doesn’t want to read it, keep trying other resources. You can go to your local law library or law school and you can even check online to see if there is a resource. I think there are attorney organizations you can pay by the month for the attorney to generally help you with things like divorces, wills, etc. but they might also read over a document and let you know if it is weak or not. Some of these are $10 or under a month, and I think there are some online attorneys that might be willing to look it over for a much smaller fee. Even regular attorneys will see you generally for 20 – 30 minutes to see if they can help you. You have to pick the right kind and don’t waste their time by talking about it. Go in, introduce yourself and tell them quickly what kind of case it is and and then shut up and show them the letter you have composed. I am not saying they WILL tell you everything, but usually if you keep quiet and just listen to what they have to say it can give you an idea if they believe that your case has merit or not. If it is not the right kind of attorney, thank them and say goodbye. Don’t keep asking questions and don’t ask any of them if you will win. They cannot tell you that. You have to just listen carefully to whatever they do handle and whether this sounds like it is defendable or not. If they say no, don’t ask a lot of questions unless you want to pay. Most of us have restraining orders because we cannot pay an attorney’s fee. Don’t expect something for nothing.
Yes, I did not do any of these things myself, but I know if I had done them all, even if I hadn’t won, I would have felt a lot better about things. And the thing is that even though I am an early-stage student paralegal, I already knew a lot of these things ahead of time. And I could see the signs. I just kept lying to myself and saying it was nothing to worry about, but in fact, every single act showed me that there was a lot to worry about. You don’t get hate mail unless the people intend to keep up their actions. Most of them were unsigned, but they were all written but they were clearly written by the same illiterate person with the same computer. When someone types a whole hate mail in all caps and in bold, they clearly mean it. So become aware of what is seeming to happen, and take early warning symptoms seriously and act on them right early. I could have won a number of times, but I kept thinking people would learn to accept me for who and what I am. So I was in denial reality, and always wanting to have a storybook ending. I am sorry but that is not how life happens. And those of you who were in love with someone, or thought they were in love with you and that perhaps if you do nothing, they will change, that is denial too. This is a very changed and litigious world we live in today, and as we all know, people will do bad things to us just because they know they can. All bullies know where you are perhaps weak, or where a situation will lend itself to their benefit and they know ‘when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em,’ and that is exactly what they will do.
I wish with all my heart that we could just trust people to do the right thing, but the reality is that it is not going to happen with everyone. Good luck, and I am sorry I am late to say all of this, but I just came to a time and place in my own mind where I could get it out there.
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Anne Copeland
January 11, 2015
I think talking to the potential additional jobs that can be created (yes, more expense, but it looks good on record) would appeal to a lot of politicians because it is a strong issue with the public, esp. the young people, many of whom, after getting a college or other higher education, cannot find a decent job. I have nothing statistical to back me up on hand, but I am sure anyone who follows any news, even without the statistical data, will agree that it is an issue that keeps coming up again and again. Just thinking . . .
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ziggybutterfly
January 5, 2015
Anyways I think you can see how I ended up with the DUI. I certainly was drinking on a near daily basis from after work until I could fall asleep. Drinking helps. Well, it helps until you end up with a DUI and lose your job. Then it becomes another problem of its own. I am happy to report that I’m not drinking that much anymore. I had a couple beers the other day and they did not hit the spot at all. I think it’s being in shelter. For one you’re forced to get and be sober else you could be exited. But when my advocates believed me when I told them about the sexual assault, it was like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. Being believed and finally being in a safe place completely curbed any craving I had for alcohol just to kill the pain. We all need to help eachother through this there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Moderator
January 6, 2015
I agree. The gender divide, which a lot of people are deeply invested in, is a distraction (a very serious one). But putting all this stuff in proper perspective is really difficult. For example, you’ve got advocates at the shelter who believe you were sexually assaulted. They may be very honest, compassionate people with open minds and broad perspectives. In cases, though, the advocates themselves are invested in believing claims of abuse and may even find abuse that isn’t there (and eagerly urge and assist a prosecution against an innocent male defendant). The impulse is reflex (conditioned or preexisting). Consider the case that begins this FBI bulletin and the reactions to it: “False Allegations of Adult Crimes.” Advocates may follow a dogma and propagate it, besides. Then on the other side, the criminal justice side, the law doesn’t particularly like claimants of sexual abuse, because district prosecutors want to win the cases they try, and a rape prosecution is hard to win. Their “sympathy” is limited by self-interest (it’s about clearing the case log and adding tick marks to the “wins” column). So you have situations like the one a woman wrote in about yesterday where a self-confessed sexual assailant was tried for “assault and battery,” a lesser charge that he probably copped to in a plea deal. You’ve worked and maybe taught on a campus. Think about what you know of 19-year-olds. You know, too, that false accusation isn’t necessarily about some elaborate frame-up; it can just be a series of emotional impressions and superficial claims strung together: she said this and I felt that, she behaves erratically, she’s caused me to worry what she may do while I’m asleep, she shows up at my work, etc. Claims of sexual assault can be just as nebulous as claims of other sorts of abuse and include vague feelings of “unease” or “misgiving.” Often, too, when you read accounts of rape claims that lack anything approaching definiteness, there will be mention of (female) friends or a (female) advocate or counselor helping the “victim” to realize “what happened” to her. Today’s culture tolerates this being called “rape,” a very loaded word that shouldn’t be used casually. Ever. Whether a boy or man is guilty or not guilty, there’s no “bouncing back” from an allegation of rape, and all it has to be is an allegation.
In this “debate,” you have people who have been brutally savaged, and you have people suffering from “intimations that something wasn’t right,” and these women are lumped together. To me this smells, just as it smells that the woman who’s never had a bruise in her life but who hysterically reports to a judge that’s she’s afraid is equated with the woman who’s been knocked around for 10 years by a violent husband.
There are no advocates like Lindy West drawing distinctions. Everybody’s a victim who says s/he is. Advocates she criticizes, like Dr. Christina Hoff Sommers, a former professor of philosophy, do draw distinctions. That’s why they’re reviled.
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Anne Copeland
January 6, 2015
I am sure that a lot of the women who do these things are feminists, but there are a lot of feminists that are involved with things that have nothing to do with restraining orders. The whole world today seem intent on using restraining orders and other legal tools whenever it means they don’t have to spend money to do it. There are all sorts of crazy people out there who can think of nothing but hateful actions against others. I am not sure that it is all women vs men. I am sure that does happen a lot, but things are never totally one-sided.
And there are a lot of truly mentally ill people out there waiting to take it out on someone in some way. Having been on the receiving end of this insanity more than once, it is clear to me that there is no one single cause of bad restraining orders. What about prejudiced or even ignorant judges, who sit in their seats and do nothing except say yeah or nay. without really hearing a word that is said. Many of them have made up their minds before the case even comes to the front. Oh yeah, this kind of case – restraining order. That kind of case – forget it. Not going to happen. We live in a sick world.
If the cases were all one type of cases, I am sure we could all infer that the issue of feminists is valid, but the fact is that many types of cases that have nothing to do with domestic violence, etc. come to court. I live in California, and we have it all here.I would say that likely 90% of all the cases are invalid, but then I am not a judge sitting on a case. I am sure if I were, I would ask a lot of questions and make sure the witnesses were telling the truth and that they were qualified to be witnesses in the first place. Yeah, I know it would take a lot of time and cost taxpayers a lot of money, but it would be worth it to get real justice most of the time. There is always a chance for error, but a wise person will work hard to avoid that.
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Todd Greene
January 8, 2015
Respondents to a Time Magazine poll this year urged a ban on the word feminist, which I think is a good idea. The word doesn’t actually stand for anything but someone who self-identifies as a feminist. So-called anti-feminism isn’t anti-woman; it’s rejection of certain rigid views that have come to be associated with “feminism.” Even the word is suspect, because there are members of different “waves” of what’s called feminism—and they oppose each other. Dr. Christina Hoff Sommers, for example, the former philosophy prof referenced in this post, is a proto-feminist who authored a book titled, “Who Stole Feminism?” The values of what she calls today’s “feminist establishment” aren’t the values she was promoting 30 years ago; they’re not the values represented by the proposed Equal Rights Amendment. She uses the phrase feminist establishment because the people calling themselves feminists now represent what the people formerly calling themselves feminists fought against!
I studied toward a doctorate and taught at a university for a few years in the late ’90s, and the feminists I knew wouldn’t be the types to get restraining orders. Almost to a woman, they dated or were married to pussycats. But they were and are the type to encourage other women to take full advantage of the system. They’re the indoctrinators and advocates. They’re basically people who identify with sex sooner than humanity (woman first, person second). There were some I knew who weren’t so hardcore. The young ones, though—they were all very earnest. The smarter (and more neurotic ones) were the type of woman who doesn’t return smiles from men, because they interpret smiles as insults. Some didn’t shave, apparently to register their rejection of male interest or their rejection of what men expect women to look like.
I always thought this signaled that they were totally fixated on what men thought, which made their whole self-styled enterprise kind of suspect. The real feminists I’ve known don’t call themselves feminists. Self-reliance isn’t a posture for them.
You’re right that rulings are reflex, but that reflex has been conditioned by money and politics. Feminists produce the social science used in judicial and police “training,” have influenced or had a hand in drafting the laws, have been allocated billions of dollars to distribute to various agencies of the justice system to determine policies and to condition responses to claims of abuse, and represent restraining orders as critical to the war on domestic violence (which is called “epidemic”). Theirs are also the biggest mouths on the Internet.
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Anne Copeland
January 9, 2015
Very well written and very true. At my old age, I am doing well to remember all those phases we went through when ‘the times, they were a changing.’ I lived through the times when women were expected to give up the idea of getting a degree, and go for a marriage to a man who would ‘take care of them.’ I wanted very much to go to college when I was entering high school. We had to choose. My mother said no – I needed to learn how to be a secretary and meet a man who would take care of me. And I think of those years living without being a person because I was not treated like one by that first husband. I was treated like a servant, and everything had to be just the way he wanted it. I had no rights so to speak, but at the same time, I am far from being one of those women who hates men or takes action against them. I just wanted to be free to be a human being. I wanted to write and to create. I wanted to see the world. At 17, I was no more than a youngster – certainly not a woman prepared to live in that kind of marriage.
And when the marriage was over and I eventually got a job at White Sands Proving Grounds with a secret clearance, it was rather humorous, because a big part of my job was to make the coffee in the morning and see that the men had coffee for their meetings. For this I needed a secret clearance? And it was ok at work for a man to come up behind me and grab the back of my bra while I was typing and snap it. Kind of silly and pretty insulting for any human being, let alone a woman. I wonder how those fellows would have felt if I had come up behind them and snapped their Fruit of the Loom underwear. The bosses wore white shoes and white belts to set themselves apart from the other men whom they supervised. Strange times.
And then suddenly it was another phase with women burning their bras and labeling themselves. It seems so strange to have lived through all these phases. I remember books teaching women how to pleasure themselves without a man. I never did the bra burning or labeling, but I did wear pants suits to work and thought that was something we ALL should have been able to do.I am trying to think when people began to make accusations against each other based on their gender.
I cannot exactly remember the order of the phases, but the hippy movement came along, and women were back to having babies, but they didn’t wear any bras and some didn’t shave their legs or any of those things that women in the 50’s wouldn’t have been seen even in the privacy of own homes. It was post WWII, and women were made to feel that they no longer really belonged in the workplace except as nurses, teachers, or other limited jobs.
I am trying to remember when this craze for restraining orders started to really be the way of life for so many. I honestly don’t remember. I can remember that people went through custody battles in divorces and women fought to get their former husbands to pay alimony or child support, but I can’t really even think if that always existed, or if it too had a beginning time.
I can tell you are a very bright young man. You are very articulate and clearly very well educated. Not all our education comes from formal schooling. You clearly have both types, and perhaps more as well. The sidebar with all the articles highlighted are very interesting and I want to find time to read them all.
I wonder how long it will take for this phase of abusive restraining orders to wear out or to get somehow passed out of existence, or to come under more reasonable conditions before one can even file a restraining order. I think of all the types of laws and the way things happen in courtrooms that seem insane to me, and they have been going on for so long. Is it really realistic to believe that change can take place?
You have certainly made some excellent and very valid points about the many abusive cases. The issue seems almost insurmountable. With all the issues people are facing today – people who have never dealt with a restraining order from either side – is it possible that they will understand and support any petitions to change things, or will it be just the people who have actually been on the receiving end of such injustices?
You brought up a lot of good food for thought. Thank you very kindly for taking a stand and I hope that in my lifetime, I will see an end to this legalized ‘witch hunt.’
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Todd Greene
January 10, 2015
My grandmother—about a generation behind you—sacrificed a college education (including a scholarship) so that her brother could get a degree. It was “the way of things” then, as you say. She never missed a day of school in her life. I still have the little gold pendant they awarded her for perfect attendance. She probably could have been a world-beater, as I’m sure you could have been, but lived a very mundane life caring for my grandfather.
You make a good case for the inroads of early feminism.
A woman I dated in grad school had a book called Our Bodies, Ourselves (or something like that). I wonder if that’s the one you mean. I always meant to look at it but never did. I confess to taking a kind of patronizing view of feminism. The women I rubbed elbows with certainly hadn’t had to put up with what you describe. I feel that now, in fact, feminists hold up the privations and indignities you had to endure as a license to punish men today for abuses of generations past, which has probably made a lot of men a lot less gallant than they would be otherwise.
It’s interesting the question you raise about when all of this began, because that information is either ignored or intentionally obscured. Restraining orders began in the late ’70s from what I’ve gleaned and probably became commonplace in the ’90s. I never heard about them as a kid—and I’m not sure when my own state legislated them—but the same woman I just mentioned seeing in college (mid- to late ’90s) had one sworn against her while I knew her. I objected to it, and that may have been among the reasons its petitioner relented. It’s ironic in retrospect.
My suspicion is that a lot of this “gender warfare” owes to restraining orders or the social momentum generated to get them enacted in the first place, which has only been amplified since. It’s like instead of feminism saying, “Yes, we won a victory and can rest on our laurels,” the next wave grabbed the baton and kept on going. Then the Internet bloomed (late ’90s), and it’s a rhetorical tool like none history has ever known.
It’s great that someone with your gumption and savvy is taking an interest. Also your goodness and moral calm. I grew up with Southern Protestants, so I have judgmentalism in my cells!
You’re very welcome, Anne, and it’s good to make your acquaintance.
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Anne Copeland
January 11, 2015
Thank you so kindly for your good comments about when the abuse of restraining orders began. Very interesting history and that of the feminists as well. Yes, in fact, you helped my memory – that was the name of the book, and that was what it was all about. I remember a feminist doctor telling the women this is what we needed to do instead of relying on men to do these things for or with us. That just didn’t sit right with me. I have never disliked men, and over the years, men have been some of my truly best friends.
I bet your grandmother was an amazing person, and yes, we were brought up with the idea that it was our duty to raise children and take care of the man at home. Working was only if you had to. And why would a woman need an education if she was not going to be working.
Don’t get me wrong. I love children, and except for the abusive marriage, I very much enjoyed the companionship, the fellowship of being married. I used to tell my architect husband that it was like having a kaleidoscope on the world – by ourselves, we might not get to digest so much of it in the time that we did. And there is definitely something very enriching about sharing a book or idea with someone else and having their ideas on which to examine my own. Sharing life was definitely a pleasure. We both had our own rich careers, and by rich, I don’t mean a lot of money, but rich in experiences. It was a good time and I am glad that I parted as friends with two of them – the architect and the anthropologist. We have stayed friends all these years and there was never a question of whose property was whose. I honestly don’t believe in that. I am a capable woman and can earn my own money and like to. I did when I was married, and by choice. And my third husband (there were only three total – the first was a Jack Mormon and father of my children) helped me with a down payment for my first mobile home though I didn’t ask for it, and then he set me up with a window washing route at a shopping center, and within a year, I had paid him back in full. It was a good feeling to end relationships that way. We are an advanced society and should be able to manage our relationships with intelligence and feeling for the other person, even if there is no longer love involved especially if we realize what it does to the children to have to go through that trying to figure out which parent is the one to turn to – who to give their loyalty to. There is a huge sense of sadness and anger at not being able to do anything to make it all better. And children’s emotional capability is not as developed as that of an adult, so it is extremely hard for them to cope with it. In my mind, getting married should be extremely difficult and getting divorced even more expensive in time and requiring a lot of counseling except in true emergencies. And then there needs to be proof of abuse, etc. via the police, etc. Everything should require counseling.
Perhaps this sort of action related to marriages could resolve at least some of these abusive restraining orders. It is nice to believe at least.
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ziggybutterfly
January 5, 2015
I really like Lindy West. Back before all this happened to me, I was actually a facebook friend and follower of hers. I don’t believe there is a false accusation culture in regards to rape. The trauma of even talking about rape is really humiliating, let alone going through the process of filing the police report and answering all their questions. I should know because yet another facet of my personal hell is that my ex did sexually abuse me. He crossed a very clear a present boundary the last time I slept in our bed together and I have suffered painful health issues ever since. Think never being able to “digest” properly again without being in severe and bloody pain. I did not report the abuse until I fled Alaska and came to the women’s shelter. There is no evidence and I never heard anything to follow up on my complaint from law enforcement. I filed one further complaint with the FBI and that is about all I can or wish to pursue it. So, while I’m being falsely accused of abuse and on trial yet again, no charges have been filed against him for sexually assault. This is definitely a conundrum as I find your blog to be deeply comforting knowing I am not alone; but I am also a fan and supporter of writer Lindy West. There must be a middle ground or way to open up this conversation. I bet if Lindy knew my story, she would be horrified to learn my abuser uses courts, law enforcement and the legal system to continue his abuse and will never be held accountable for the actual abuse that occured. I don’t believe that women would falsely accuse a man of rape because it is awful and humiliating and you are not believed anyways. But Lindy is wrong to state there is not a culture of falsely accusing someone of abuse. We’re arguing about semantics here but the words are important.
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Moderator
January 7, 2015
Some of the conflict, too, is that the injury of false allegation and procedural abuse isn’t perceived as traumatic—or at least not on a par with physical abuse.
Psychic trauma is actually worse.
The boys who sued the Catholic Church as adults weren’t necessarily violently assaulted. The enduring horror was the manipulation, the shame, the self-blame, the betrayal, the emasculation, and the being disbelieved or even hated for reporting what happened. The basis for these men’s lawsuits was “failure to thrive.” They were basically broken—not from being pawed or groped or made to perform mechanical acts as boys, per se, but from the consequences to their emotional states and ability to function normally or socially.
Rape, certainly, may be brutal. But typically the enduring horror is psychic. Excepting an injury like you’ve described, the pain is in the mind. It’s not being able to trust anymore. It’s having panic attacks and night terrors. It’s isolation and a host of ever-present emotions like hate, resentment, distrust, and self-recrimination. It’s loss of confidence and faith in the world.
I’m sure you’re no stranger to any of that. From what you’ve shared, a single relationship with another person has basically determined what you do and think every day. That’s horrible. And I really don’t believe writers like Lindy West or Zerlina Maxwell grasp this. (Zerlina Maxwell caused a sensation last month by opining in a major newspaper that the worst fallout to someone falsely accused of rape would be loss of Facebook friends and “suspension” of employment.) I’m willing to agree with you, though, that maybe they wouldn’t be indifferent if they did understand.
No one wants to believe allegations of sexual violence are made falsely, but you have to appreciate that there are no allegations more certain to arouse sympathy; they work better than anything—and they don’t have to be made to the police (campus “inquiries,” in fact, are more like civil court procedures than police investigations). For the person who’s guided by the need for attention or motivated by extreme spite, falsely alleging sexual violence is attractive.
What also has to be appreciated is that the specter of rape informs even allegations of sexual harassment, “untoward” contact (which may be text messages!), etc., and there are plenty of people willing to take advantage of societal prejudices. Basically a woman just has to intimate that she feels “stalked” or “imperiled.” Even men effectively make these claims falsely now, as you know. There are women who report being falsely fingered as a “violent threat” by men twice their size (see the previous post—though the woman it’s about says her boyfriend got skinny before accusing her).
I was pursued by a woman at my home—a married woman. Allegations she later made to distract from her conduct included these: that I had stolen her cell phone number and “proceeded to contact her” (I never spoke to her on the phone, and her home number was publicly listed in the local phone directory), that I had made “physical, romantic advances toward her that were subsequently rebuked,” that she was concerned she would be “attacked,” that I was “a danger” to her husband (a total stranger I’d never been told existed), and that I should be prohibited from possessing firearms (I’d been a vegetarian for 20 years, as she knew). She also reportedly told colleagues of hers that she thought she’d seen me around her residence and asked them to walk her to her car at night or to stay with her (this I learned six years later). The only place I’d ever seen this woman was at my own home, where I just encountered her hanging around one day as I walked out to get in my car. She even told authorities she was “concerned for the safety” of her mother and friends (whose names I wasn’t even sure of) when I wrote to them asking for their help after she made various allegations to the police and several judges. Her mother lived in a different time zone. For perspective, understand that the last time I’d seen this woman, she’d still been contriving reasons to touch me (alone in the dark). I recall talking to her about shooting stars. I was then an aspirant kids’ writer, and writing humor is the only thing I can imagine doing that would make me happy. That was nine years ago.
I knew this person for around three months in late 2005. I was last in court with her in 2013 where her boss testified by telephone from another state that special security protocols had been put in place to protect her (seven years later). It was also alleged that I had “propositioned her” years before, this despite her offering in evidence to the court the statement that she had “never felt the need” to tell me she was married because she thought I viewed her “strictly as a social friend.”
I could also tell you about games played by a confederate of hers—again years later. There were two or three friends of hers who also hung around the property where I live (and who of course knew their friend, the friend who was outside of my home most nights, was married). These were women with advanced degrees. But for them, I’d be a Ph.D. now myself, probably.
Larry, the man who identifies himself in a comment to this post as “Joel Bond Gunch” has been taken to court by a similar accuser (his neighbor) dozens of times on various counts of inspiring “terror.” He’s trying to reverse perceptions, and he’s being discounted as a “vexatious litigant.” His accuser, a woman who has for periods phoned in police reports on him daily, isn’t being called a vexatious anything. Aged 70 with a bad back and three toy poodles, Larry hardly fits the “stalker” profile, but it doesn’t matter. The woman who replied to this post yesterday, Anne, is 73 and a divinity student. Hers is also a case of being taunted.
That’s why I’m critical of how extremely violence against women is talked about. Hyperbolic language, rigid views, and scathing denunciations of anyone who says, “Hang on a sec”—these tactics from outspoken feminist advocates over decades has exerted a powerful political influence, and law always follows politics. Always.
Don’t forget to let me know if you share more of your own story—I only check email periodically. I’d also absolutely urge you to consider sharing your tribulations with someone with a wider audience like Lindy West. Maybe you could be a consensus builder.
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