A theme that emerges upon consideration of restraining order abuse is lack of empathy—from impulsive or false accusers and from those who abet them. Plaintiffs who act either spitefully or viciously seldom appreciate the ramifications of their actions. They may possess what we call a normal conscience but either don’t think or, in the heat of the moment, don’t care.
The horror is that this same indifference extends not only to authorities and officers of the court but to feminist advocates for restraining orders and the public at large, who are persuaded that the gravity of violence against women trivializes all other considerations. Their indifference may in fact be unconsciousness, but when people’s livelihoods and lives are at stake, unconsciousness is no more pardonable.
It’s ironic that the focus of those who should be most sensitized to injustice is so narrow. Ironic, moreover, is that “emotional abuse” is frequently a component of state definitions of domestic violence. The state recognizes the harm of emotional violence done in the home but conveniently regards the same conduct as harmless when it uses the state as its instrument.
From “Are You a Victim of Emotional Abuse?” by Cathy Meyer:
Emotional abuse is used to control, degrade, humiliate, and punish a spouse. While emotional abuse differs from physical abuse, the end result is the same….
Note the writer’s conclusion that emotional abuse is equivalent to violence in its effects.
Her orientation, of course, is toward victims of domestic violence, but her judgment is just as applicable to false allegations, whose intent is to “control, degrade, humiliate, and punish.”
Plainly the motive of most reasonable feminist arguments and appeals, at least as that motive is understood by those making them, is to induce empathic understanding. They want people to care.
Here’s yet another irony. Too often the perspectives of those who decry injustices are partisan. Feminists themselves are liable to see only one side.
“But my side’s more important” isn’t a rebuttal but a confirmation of chauvinism.
In the explication quoted above, the writer compares the conduct of emotional abusers to that of prison guards toward prisoners of war, who use psychological torment to achieve compliance from their wards. Consider that victims of false allegations may literally be imprisoned.
Consider further some of the tactics that Ms. Meyer identifies as emotionally abusive:
- Isolating a spouse from friends and family.
- Discourag[ing] any independent activities such as work; taking classes or activities with friends.
- If the spouse does not give into the control, they are threatened, harassed, punished, and intimidated by the abuser.
- Us[ing] the children to gain control by undermining the other parent’s authority or threatening to leave and take the children.
- Control[ling] all the financial decisions, refus[ing] to listen to their partner’s opinion, withhold[ing] important financial information and mak[ing] their spouse live on limited resources.
- Mak[ing] all major decisions such as where to live, how to furnish the home, and what type of automobile to drive.
Now consider the motives of false allegations and their certain and potential effects: isolation, termination of employment and impediment to or negation of employability, inaccessibility to children (who are used as leverage), and being forced to live on limited means (while possibly being required under threat of punishment to provide spousal and child support) and perhaps being left with no home to furnish or automobile to drive at all.
The correspondence is obvious…if you’re looking for it. Opponents of emotional abuse need to recognize it in all of its manifestations, because the expectation of empathy is only justified if it’s reciprocated.
Copyright © 2014 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
chris
August 10, 2015
Hi it’s totally me I need some direction I’ll fast forward a bit but I have tect message screenshots saved for past year abd a half. 2011 she cheated broke me to having a Dr say it was ptsd even. 2013 she started hangi.g out same cousin and may cheated I found out year later. It was her ex I was talking crap she blocked him I didn’t know so It left me like where did he go but she had denied it and here is a boom she said she wanted a hall pass and his name was said. Really I didn’t get the detailed events until a few more months. She charged Me with a DV that was dropped because she tried taking my phone and leaving but I was online holding phone and she snatched unaware of everything that her cousin was outside even I simply didn’t let go when I warned the girls need to come home she’s a flight risk she called and twisted pinky dropped. Year later four names whole truth known March but she was living with her mom since November going out leaving girls home alone baby sitters. Remember messages. Contact with kids his hell she’s manipulating me wanting 400 for a picture. Talking about a notarized letter from 2012 her mom used for taxes saying I had signed off on them I have the letter and texts. She last went March I was finally done pretty much she came over and I’m like no I’m cool I don’t want you but it won’t be the last time I promise this and that. I said no three four times and believed her it’s my high school sweetheart. Well 21 of March 2014 my daughters bday is Saturday that’s Friday and I go to the school police go I have the only card with file number so incase she tried not to let me pick them up after school call. She was pissed enjoyed afternoon fine with girls I checked in to mental health because some details few weeks before I knew I was tired missing my girls and upset needed that I enjoyed 10 days in a nice higher end dual facility known as the original celebrity rehab. When I checked out is 10 days later when she filed. She has pics with bring n kids July already I almost killed myself after July my girls birthday she refused to pick up a laptop. ( last month she did it again) and the girls stopped calling I had to message people to get a holdofthem they had said They lost the phone they had Oct 1st I woke up in hospital but before that I got a hold of them and got nothing I said u know what if you are never gonna allow me to see my girls keep them away another week I can’t handle it I was always volunteering at school involved I was robbed it’s a bs case non violent. She never let them answer or call back. I got out happy alive I had someone tell her I really needed to talk to the kids they told her instead she called police and they called in the morning step out so I did to shot guns. I’m sick n tired she has never tried to let me set being a dad again I didn’t know until November she was with the dude from may year before he sent me pictures of him and my kids. My ex said to someone she had moved and wasn’t saying where but I have granted location rights so cops denied location and you know her Facebook account was initially set up in my daughters name and log in was her name but it was strictly within reason of safety kidnap well I have a no hack more or less personal conduct but I have no idea I paid for a company to hand it over for whatever I’m granted there location and found she had moved don’t know where but she was mad she had to get her ass home she was in violation not disclosing to me or confidentially to court. She has issues I have a bench warrant pending still violation. Her boyfrien yells at my daughter in December I find out they remedied it saying oh they don’t talk anymore. He called to apologise and she had said over the phone but I had found out can’t say but over the phone my daughter said no. So he said sorry it was in person and nope get out of here as soon as she told me I ran his name he said I was drunk he had two public intoxications a week apart September. His ex had told me she got beat by him I didn’t know she was a complete different chick he has 2 violent DVs and now I asked something and she said it never existed. I snapped that’s your safety don’t lie and change what you told me. That week just a week ago she was on a mission calling me gay no dui never scarry that I must have kidnapped her mom etc I said child abuse right away tell your mom to comply and call me or have a lawyer call me she has five days I want a face to faces or council five days I’m going close to guidelines I almost I think for order for pretrial qualify of pre conference rules whatever but she ran to police instead detective called me I said whatever she goes go fix it charge her I don’t see any crime she doesn’t have to tell u where she moved I said your right as long as she follows the rules me or confidential change. She ran since three days ago I asked her mom where are they. I don’t know I told her violation of order your an accessory all weekend we talked crap back and forth they blame it all on me I said enough it’s non violent that didn’t happen your daughter is just like you a slut I’m sorry all honesty 13 years I know both of them so I allow myself. I’m not one who lies. So my daughter at 618 pm today hello I said what’s going on and in Spanish she says quit beeping around and 32 seconds into call ended they call from a cell I consider her hiding and I’ve warned them I’m done being a sucker fine had you moved corectly you still can’t cut them off. I can’t afford a lawyer what do I do I have recorded calls depending which phone they called and a lot of texts. Advice please. Help.
LikeLike
Moderator
August 11, 2015
Chris, your story is really hard to puzzle out. Do you have a friend who could type it for you? I’d be glad to offer what help I can, but I’d need a clearer picture of what’s happening. I think if you contacted your cell phone provider, an operator could tell you how to print out the messages if you need them to show to a judge.
See if there’s someone you know who could help you tell your story. Anyway, I get the impression there’s been a lot of drama and chaos, and I hope you’re able to iron it out.
LikeLike
Moderator
June 22, 2014
Here’s a recent example out of the U.K. (Solihull Observer):
Excerpt of “Mum coached daughter to say dad was abuser”
By Court Reporter Thursday 19 June 2014
LikeLike
Anonymous
June 18, 2014
I sent you the DV-109 with the pages of personal info removed. Take a look at let me know what you think. I ask that if you write about it, I can take a look at it before publishing. Thanks!
LikeLike
Moderator
June 20, 2014
Sure thing.
LikeLike
Mcherney
June 14, 2014
I don’t mind you writing about this at all. I have a PDF version but it has all of our personal information on it. I will scan the allegations and send them to you if you want. Its ridiculous that these even were considered. As someone who prides themselves as being an law abiding citizen and someone who avoids confrontation I find this repulsive and its been very hurtful. I would never harm a child or any other person for that matter (unless in self defense). This has reeked havoc on my life and as my wife said, her sister has won the battle of having control over me. Let me know what address you would like me to send the TRO over to.. I’m sure it will surprise you too what they signed.
LikeLike
Moderator
June 18, 2014
I’ll forward an email address to you. I’d post it here, but there are apparently “bots” that hoover them off the Internet and use them to spam you.
LikeLike
Anonymous
July 23, 2014
It was recommended I reply to your comment so you can shoot me some information on how to motion for a new trial. I can relate to what your saying. I also pride myself on being a law abiding citizen who prefers to avoid confrontation as well.
LikeLike
Cbrier
June 12, 2014
Restraining orders based on false allegations and false emotional abuse are unconstitutional. The corrupt politically appointed Massachusetts judges automatically issue restraining orders based on emotional abuse to justify their actions of issuing the TRO. Three real examples: I represented a client who was slapped with a restraining order by a woman trying to extort him for money. Another client was slapped with a TRO by his vengeful ex girlfriend after he broke up with her after he caught her cheating. A gold digger slapped husband with TRO while filing for divorce because she wanted his house, assets, and other property. Corrupt politically appointed Massachusetts judges are the problem. The following Boston Municipal Court judges have issued unjust restraining orders: Robert J. McKenna, Eleanor C. Sinnott, Sally A. Kelly, Mark H. Summerville. There is no difference between Massachusetts and the former Soviet Union.
LikeLike
Moderator
June 13, 2014
The policies that prevail in this arena have to be as maddening for attorneys as they are for defendants.
LikeLike
Mcherney
June 10, 2014
The order I was issued was a DV130
LikeLike
Mcherney
June 9, 2014
Thank you for this information. I am talking with my attorney today to talk about how we are going to attack this. It really made me sick when the judge said that a mother has the right to determine who is around her children and if she says that she doesn’t want you around, you have to go away. Even if it happens in a public park in a public little league where you may be employed. The thought that I could possible harm anyone much less a child sickens me to core. I have found out through research of my own that here in Riverside TRO are issued at a drive up window where the only reason they are not approved is if they are not filled out properly. If you want to see how ridiculous this was I would be more than happy to send you a PDF of the original TRO. The sheriff deputy that dropped it off and the police officer that read it when we dropped of our guns at the PD both said it was ridiculous and that it should have never been signed and who ever signed a garbage TRO like that should be jailed.
LikeLike
Moderator
June 10, 2014
I hope it helps. That benchguide 20 is hyperlinked, by the way. You can download/print out the PDF so you have the case law citations. Looking at the “quick references” that judges look at is good way of getting legal citations without having to hunt around a lot. The fact that your “harassing” or “injurious” contact was in the performance of your job should also have some influence. I’ve referred to these processes as “drive-thru” before. I had no idea they actually were in places. If you’re going by sometime, snap a picture of the service window and send it along. That’s amazing (“Would you like a large soft drink with that?”). My experience, too, has been that cops are a lot more honest and decent than judges. Best wishes getting this off your back. How awful is it that even if you do, your being able to trust your sister-in-law is probably shot for life? These processes are evil. There’s no way for family to comfortably intervene, no way to mediate a problem or ease a point of friction. They just erect spiky walls between people, divide loyalties, instill fear, encourage malice. They’re truly hateful.
I mean, just think about what someone’s seeing “DV130” does. DV obviously stands for “domestic violence” which stands for wife- or child-beating.
Despite all the criminal overtones of this order and what it says, the case is still one of civil harassment, not criminal violence. The outrageous thing is that these lines are so clearly blurred, which means the presumption is you’re someone who knocks women and children around. The facts of your case make even the allegation of “harassment” questionable.
If you wouldn’t mind my writing about this, let me know. I could use an excerpt anonymously if you sent the TRO application. I could email you an address to send it to.
This is how judicial perception is influenced and steered: “Bench Guide for Recognizing Dangerousness in Domestic Violence Cases.”
LikeLike
Moderator
June 13, 2014
How to file a complaint with the California Commission on Judicial Performance
LikeLike
Mcherney
June 6, 2014
Yes, she did lie and we had signed declaration under the penalty of perjury to prove it. Didn’t matter though.
LikeLike
Mcherney
June 6, 2014
I’m in California and its a stay away order of 100 yards. According to my attorney most off her evidence was hearsay and the judge overruled his objections on a lot of it and allowed it. He thought it was such a grave injustice that he offered, if he can find grounds for appeal that he would handle it at no charge. From what I have seen so far, doesn’t look like there is help for someone like me. She successfully used a restraining order to bully me.
LikeLike
Moderator
June 8, 2014
These are the standards by which judges in California are instructed to adjudicate a harassment order case when a defendant isn’t represented by an attorney (from Handling Cases Involving Self-Represented Litigants: A Benchguide for Judicial Officers):
“Petitioner is requesting a harassment restraining order. A harassment restraining order will be issued if the petitioner can show that she is the victim of harassment. Harassment means that she has been
subject to repeated, intrusive, or unwanted acts, words, or gestures by the respondent that are intended to adversely affect her safety, security, or privacy.”
You can imagine how easily non-represented defendants are railroaded. The above is a classy way of saying plaintiffs don’t have to prove anything. Unless they waltz into court with video evidence, how can anyone “show,” for example, that s/he was the victim of “intrusive gestures,” whatever those are?
If this is the type of order you were issued, a point of attack might be whether it was “shown” that you “intended to adversely affect” the safety of the boy.
(A benchbook or benchguide, incidentally, is an instruction manual for judges. It tells them what they’re supposed to do.)
According to Benchguide 20: Injunctions Prohibiting Civil Harassment and Workplace/Postsecondary School Violence:
5. Issuance of Injunction
a. [§20.19] Findings
“If the court finds by clear and convincing evidence that unlawful harassment exists, it must issue an injunction prohibiting the harassment. CCP §527.6(i); see Judicial Council form CH-130. The petitioner must also establish that great or irreparable harm would result to the petitioner if an injunction is not issued because of the reasonable probability that unlawful violence will occur in the future. Russell v Douvan (2003) 112 CA4th 399, 401–404, 5 CR3d 137 (trial court erred in issuing injunction based on a single act of violence without finding threat of future harm). When read literally, the language of CCP §527.6(i) appears to provide that once the petitioner establishes by clear and convincing evidence that the respondent has engaged in a single act of harassment, the court must issue an injunction. But CCP §527.6(i) must be read to include the requirement that the petitioner show that great or irreparable harm is likely to occur absent the injunction because the petitioner is required to make such a showing under CCP §527.6(d) to obtain a TRO. 112 CA4th at 402–404.”
Based on what you’ve said, the non-satisfaction of the requirement that “great or irreparable harm is likely to occur” if you’re not restrained would seem to be a point of attack. I’m not an attorney; I’m just spit-balling. But what an attorney might do, if this law is applicable to the order you were issued, is cite it in an appeal and argue that its stipulations weren’t met.
Your attorney will know if the superior court is the right appeals venue. If it is, here are the forms you’d use if you were in Sacramento.
You’d start by filing a “Notice of Appeal,” and you’d want to do this promptly, because there’s always a deadline.
Also, FYI, “hearsay evidence” is admissible: “At the hearing, the court must consider any relevant evidence, including hearsay evidence, when deciding whether to issue an injunction prohibiting the harassment. CCP §527.6(i); Kaiser Found. Hosps. v Wilson (2011) 201 CA4th 550, 555–558, 133 CR3d 830.” This quotation is from the same judicial benchbook (as is the one below).
Notice: “the harassment” and not “the alleged harassment.”
It’s sickening to read this stuff. It so manifestly authorizes judges to decide however they want. It authorizes them to magically divine the truth based on impressions.
“The court is not required to make a specific finding on the record that harassment exists, or to cite the statutory elements of the harassment. Although there must be evidence to support the required elements of harassment and substantial emotional distress, direct testimony by the petitioner is not required to establish or support those elements. See Ensworth v Mullvain (1990) 224 CA3d 1105, 1112, 274 CR 447.”
LikeLike
Mcherney
June 6, 2014
She alleged that her son was becoming an emotional mess when I was present at the field. So she used the “Emotional Abuse” tactic to get the permanent order issued.
LikeLike
Mcherney
June 6, 2014
The suspected motive was to get me away from umpiring games at the little league fields where her kids play to prevent me from umpiring one of her son’s games. She never talked with me to tell me her concerns she just demanded that my wife keep me away from her son for no apparent reason. The judge found that her screaming at her sister to keep her husband away from her son was an adequate request. When I was at the fields, I never contacted or spoken to her son nor did I make contact with her or any members of her family. I normally was by her sons games to talk with my coworker who was umping the game before my games were to start. I was at the fields to work as I am a paid umpire.
LikeLike
Moderator
June 7, 2014
I’ll look into and think about this. I’m totally missing what justifiable grounds there would have been for a judge to approve even the preliminary order, so alleging “abuse of discretion” in an appeal might be viable. You’re an employee performing his job, it’s necessary for you to perform that job within the vicinity of your nephew, and you never talked with him or his mom. Did you make a bad call, or is there some past to all of this?
Is your sister-in-law’s relationship with her son weird (doting)?
LikeLike
Mcherney
June 6, 2014
I am a recent victim of Restraining order abuse but this was done by my Sister In law. Any help you can provide to assist in rectifying this grave injustice would be greatly appreciated. My attorney was in complete shock that the court ruled as they did and is investigating grounds for an appeal. Any ideas?
LikeLike
Moderator
June 6, 2014
If you don’t mind sharing, what was the suspected motive? She just doesn’t like you?
Were there obvious lies?
What type of order is it, and what state are you in? These things can make a difference. In my state (Arizona), for example, superior court appeals are judged according to the standard of “clear abuse of discretion.” That means the only way to win an appeal is to show that the judge crossed the line. Also, the superior court judge doesn’t review the matter over again. S/he just judges the appellant’s brief. It’s rough. You’d think pointing out lies to the appellate judge would matter, but it doesn’t.
If you do appeal and your lawyer doesn’t object, consider a motion for oral argument so you can actually talk to the judge. Otherwise these things can just be faceless paper swaps (that mean absolutely nothing to judges).
LikeLike