“I have known my ex since 2007, and our relationship was never easy. I stood with him during the affairs, the lies, whatever…. We had a child in 2009, and then the violence started…. After the last failed mediation in Nov[ember] 2012, he again wanted to get back together, [and] I was hit with a new motion to change the parenting time for our child, and he stated that I was harming or endangering our child.
“In Jan[uary] 2013, he again wanted us to work [things] out, and I again agreed…. I began to assist with bills, his house, [and] accommodating his requests with our child. Fast forward to Oct[ober] 2013…after learning once again there were other women involved and accepting his apology at dinner one night, the next day I was served with a temp[orary] restraining order. It was filled with a whole lot of false allegations and a report that he filed with the police. The report with the police came back unfounded, and shortly after that report was put into evidence, he filed an addendum to his original…restraining order in Nov[ember] 2013, adding on 38 more individual allegations dating back to 2007 from when we first met.
“In mid-Nov[ember] 2013, he then filed an additional complaint against [me] through military channels…. He has also filled more in [on] our parenting-time case against me.
“He is now stating that since 2007, he feels I have been forcing him into sex, and he may now need to seek therapy after learning how often he has been raped.
“Since the restraining order has been in effect, my ex has contacted my family, has [had] his new [girlfriend] file complaints with me at my job, has filed additional allegations with my job, and is now saying I am an unfit parent.
“I just am unsure where to turn…or what to do. If this restraining order is found to go permanently against me, I have more to lose with my career and way of providing for my children, and though he is aware of this, he is also not backing down. And now with his new allegations in court about the forced sexual encounters for years, his feelings of being afraid, and his claim that he will need to seek therapy, I am not sure how all of this will play out against me.”
I recently acquainted myself with “rape culture,” a term used ubiquitously in feminist screeds, and observed that there’s a contrary case to be made for its being applied to the defenders of court-mediated villainies that emotionally scourge innocents and cripple their lives.
The woman whose story serves as epigraph to this discussion is one such victim. Here’s a woman, a mother, moreover, who has endured beastly treatment with the patience of Job only to be labeled a rapist, terrorist, unfit mother, etc., etc. and who now faces the prospect of having her entire existence tweezed apart.
With regard to so-called rape culture, consider that this woman’s story shows that not only may false allegations of rape be readily put over on the courts through restraining order abuse; it isn’t just men who can be falsely accused.
Maybe feminist readers of this woman’s saga of pain would only conclude that it wasn’t impressed upon her early enough that women need men like fish need bicycles. Or maybe they’d conclude that it just goes to show how awful men can be, disregarding that the woman has also been persecuted by her ex’s new girlfriend.
In fact, what it and any number of others’ ordeals show is that when you offer people an easy means to excite drama and conflict, they’ll exploit it.
There’s a reason why opiates are carefully controlled substances that aren’t freely handed out to everyone who claims to need them for pain relief. If they were, a lot of people would welcome a cheap high.
Process abusers need to be recognized for what they are: substance abusers. Restraining orders, whose injustices persist because they’re vehemently championed by ideologues, are dispensed gratuitously and used gratuitously. For too many users, what’s more, they’re gateway drugs that whet an insatiable, predatory appetite.
Drama and attention junkies are no different from any other kind. Offer them a free narcotic, and they’ll take it and jones for more.
Defenders of restraining orders, who think of them as fixes, don’t realize how right they are.
Copyright © 2014 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
Anonymous123
February 9, 2014
In relation to the woman’s story, it appears that she attempted to have a therapeutic resolve to the legal issues. However, her ex maintained an adversarial response. Nonetheless, be that the allegations are false, all the woman has to do is deny the actus reus and mens rea. It’s simple enough. The judges, unfortunately, are corrupt. However, I think this woman has already tried a therapeutic response. Thus, I don’t perceive an adversarial response with lawsuits against her ex to be a therapeutic form of operant conditioning. Punishment in the legal system is meant to be corrective. Although I like to think that there are other methods that an individual can employ to alter human behavior, punishment has existed as a tried method of conditioning in order to cause an individual to learn that “bad” behaviors are unwanted. Thus, a lawsuit would be ultimately punitive. Thus, the ex would be sued for “punitive damages.”
However, I think the relationship would be over for the most part. There is eventually a breaking point, whereby an individual may assume that attempting to reconcile is not worthwhile, too much work, or simply will not lead to a fruitful relationship. Personally, I have a background in psychology and neuroscience, and I think it’s possible to reconcile depending on what went wrong with the relationship, whether on not recidivism will occur, and if the problems that were originally there with the relationship have been mended. It appears that the past problems that the woman had with her ex were not resolved, thus she made an error of continuing the relationship. Again, there seems to have been a lack of a social contract involved: In other words, standards for the relationship were not set. As I’ve written in some previous replies to this website’s blog, social contract theory is important. Knowing what’s going on is important. And in my world, once a person cheats on me, I let them go: No bullshit. There used to be a time where I kept trying to mend the relationship, but I eventually set standards for myself. I’ve also come to realize that I can do better, so I try not to have a defeatist mindset, which is something that the woman in the blog entry appears to have.
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Anonymous123
February 9, 2014
Edit: “Punishment in the legal system is meant to be corrective.”
Well, I don’t necessarily agree with that. Punishment in the legal system OUGHT TO BE corrective if punishment is to be employed. Punishment is one more form of conditioning. However, that does not mean that it will be therapeutic as to mending a domestic relationship. I could foresee a couple consistently using the courts to resolve their issues ending up in court in order to resolve whatever domestic disputes they are having. Things simply continue spinning off in an adversarial relationship that bounces between therapeutic and adversarial. One would hope that people could get along but if they could not, then they would end back up in court.
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Moderator
February 11, 2014
Yes, especially in the cases of so-called “high-conflict personalities” (the subject of much of Mr. Eddy’s writing), this sort of thing is endless, because the conflict gratifies its agitators. These people aren’t actually looking for resolution; they thrive on the discord and tumult.
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Moderator
February 11, 2014
Yes, she’s tried to “make it work.” A lot of women can’t detach easily, especially when the men they’ve attached to are as manipulative as this one. I remember reading years ago in a book by an expert on operant conditioning, Karen Pryor (the original proponent of “clicker training”), that this kind of manipulation plays into our reward-seeking drive. You live with uncertainty and then you get this glimmer of hope, warmth, compassion, or promise, and it ignites expectations that are then chastened or dashed but which are soon followed by another encouraging promise that is then proved false, etc. It’s a vicious cycle of coercion that works well in relationships that can’t be severed easily, like those between parents of young children or those between young children and parents.
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